One of the scariest things that faced me as a brand-new teacher (besides the kids!) was parent conferences. Especially the ones that involved difficult issues such as an under-performing or misbehaving child, an unpopular or smelly child—their child! How could I share this news without seeming to point the finger or coming off as a know-it-all?
Somehow, I stumbled through those first years. Then, a few years later, I found myself seated on the other side of the table, when I was called in for a conference to deal with my own under-performing (thankfully not smelly) child. What an ordeal! I was devastated. I came away feeling like the world’s worst parent and that the unspoken question they were asking was, “And what are you going to do about it?”
I recalled this experience when the principal where I was serving as school psychologist asked me to develop a workshop to teach conferencing skills. Here is a list of items we covered:
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Meet and greet them at the door. Be sure of their names and relationships, and greet each individual in the meeting.
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Be aware that not all parents are comfortable at school. They may not have had a good school experience themselves.
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They may feel inadequate as parents when facing problems with their children.
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Remember that you share a goal. Both you and the parents want the same thing: the best education for their child.
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Have well-developed, well-practiced communication skills. Listen more than you talk, even if you called the conference with information you need to share.
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Let them set the pace. Are they hurried and abrupt? Don’t waste their time. Get right to the point. Are they laid back and casual? Relax your pace so they don’t feel you are trying to rush them.
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Begin with something positive.
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Ask open-ended questions. You will get far more information this way than if you lead the witness.
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Convey your genuine regard for their child. If you don’t feel this, what can you do? A year in the classroom of a teacher who doesn’t like you is a long time for a child. Can you find something to like in this child” Can he switch to another teacher?
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Avoid educational jargon such as “integrated thematic curriculum.” Use common words and phrases that will be clear to parents and avoid misunderstandings.
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Communicate warmth. This is done most effectively through nonverbals such as smiling, a concerned look, and a friendly tone of voice. These convey that you are a warm person.
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Never put them on the defensive. If you do, you have lost track of your purpose, which is to convey information. When they are defensive, they cannot hear what you have to say.
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Stay calm and rational. Because their children are so precious to them, parents may not always be rational. There is too much at stake. Therefore, it is doubly important that you stay cool.
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Don’t be quick to take offense. What may seem rude might be cultural or specific to where they grew up. Learn to tell the difference.
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Always assume good intentions. If you are right, you have avoided a misunderstanding. If you are wrong, you have foiled the person who intended to hurt you by not “getting it.”
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Stay open-minded. Have your goal in mind but stay open to new information and new possibilities.
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Never gossip about other teachers, students, or parents. This is highly unprofessional behavior and will detract from your own professional reputation.
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Promise less, deliver more. Never promise to do more than you can do, but always do just a little more than you agreed to.
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Follow through on any promises you make.
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Conclude the conference on a positive note. Have something positive to say about their child before they leave. One teacher calls this the sandwich approach. Start and end with a positive, with the information in the middle.
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Expect change. Expect people (including yourself) to see things differently at the end of the conference, as a result of what happened during the meeting.